


Nosebleeds and Moonblaster

by Wherever_Girl



Category: Fangface (Cartoon)
Genre: Crack Fic, Other, contains nosebleeds, experimental coffee gone wrong, pure random silliness, this is why fangs is not allowed to cook
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 00:51:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19735048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wherever_Girl/pseuds/Wherever_Girl
Summary: Whether it's chronic nosebleeds or bad coffee, Fangs just finds some way to spike everyone's blood pressure... or in Puggsy's case, increase heart-rates to the point of breaking the laws of reality. Crack Fic!





	Nosebleeds and Moonblaster

**Author's Note:**

> Cast:
> 
> Fangs- PhantomSavage  
> Biff: Markiplier  
> Puggsy: Jontron  
> Kim: Tamara Chambers  
> The Authoress: some hobo we found on the street.   
> Swaine: Phelous
> 
> (okay, not really, but it's crack-- just imagine it!)

It was a condition he’s had since Middle School.

Fangs would end up getting nosebleeds. Sometimes they were mild, only a little dribble that barely took up a corner of a tissue; other times they were problematic, his nostrils leaking for a good fifteen minutes, blood and mucus staining his entire handkerchief.

But tonight was _insane_.

He didn’t know whether it was because of the humidity in the air, if his blood pressure was too high, or heck Puggsy punching him in the schnoz earlier for going through his _Penthouse_ collection again, but in the middle of the night his nose just started leaking all over!

He woke up, coughing and snorting, feeling blood dribbling out of his nose. He used his shirt to stifle it as he raced to the bathroom, feeling it oozing out; he grabbed the toilet paper, using a few squares to wipe the blood, but it kept coming out! He went through the entire roll in under five minutes!

Three rolls later, he was STILL nosebleeding! _Geez! Now I know how anime perverts feel like!_ He thought, holding his nose as he looked around the bathroom for any more tissues or toilet paper, but his excessive bleeding had cleaned them out! He ran out, heading down the hall to get help.

…

Two minutes after Fangs ran out, Puggsy was groggily walking to the bathroom. Looking around, his eyes widened, seeing blood-covered toilet paper littered all over the room!

“Ah, shit. Kim’s on her period again,” he muttered, walking away from the mess.

...

Biff, during this time, was sound asleep during this midnight hour. There he was, head on the pillow, dreaming sweet little dreams about cupcakes and kittens, riding his magical pony Buttercup through the mini-marshmallow terrains…

“Biff…! Biff!” came a voice, as something shook him awake.

“Zzz… huh? Wha?” The leader groggily stated, opening his eyes…

Seeing Fangs, covered in blood from his face to his shirt, looming over him, desperately whispering, “ _Help me_!”

…To this day, he still remembers Biff’s scream.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Kim walked downstairs that morning, surprised to see Biff sitting at the table--- eyes wide and bloodshot, having a slight trepidation. “Morning, Biff--- er, are you okay?”

“…Kim. I’ve been up since 12:17 AM trying to convince myself that Fangs did not eat someone. DO NOT. ASK. THAT QUESTION.” He replied, his eye twitching.

Kim arched an eyebrow, confused. “Um… okay then… do you want any coffee?”

“DON’T NEED IT!”

Looking at her a friend a moment before awkwardly turning away, she opened the cupboards… finding the coffee container empty. “Ugh, great. Gotta run to the store--- do something about that twitch while I’m gone,” she sighed, walking out.

Biff sat in silence for a long minute. “Never sleep again… I’m never going to sleep again.”

By this time, Fangs walked in. “Hey Biff---“

“AAAUUUGGHHH!”

Fangs paused, cringing at his friend’s sudden scream. “…sheesh, until last night I never knew your voice could go that high.”

Biff took a long, deep breath, before looking at Fangs--- thank God that during his freak-out his friend’s nosebleeds had stopped, and he had now showered and put on a clean shirt. “Sorry… but… next time you’re nosebleeding in the dead of night, try washing off the blood BEFORE barging in looking like you just walked out of _Carrie_!”

“Alright, alright, lesson learned.” Fangs sat down, holding up a cup of coffee. “But, great news! Since I couldn’t get back to sleep last night--- you know, because of your screams of horror--- I made some experimental coffee!”

“Experimental?”

Fangs nodded. “I’ve actually been up for 3 days straight working on this! Last night I finally perfected it! It’s a cappuccino with 5 shots of sugar, a gallon of Monster© energy drinks, a couple of pixie sticks, crushed remains of a Neutron Star, slushie syrup, and--- just for fun--- a half-pint of rocket fuel. I call it… The Moonblaster!”

Biff blinked. “…Where did you get the remains of a Neutron Star?”

“Costco.”

“…never mind. Is it even safe for human consumption?”

“Of cour---!”

A drop of Moonblaster spilt out of the up and landed on the floor--- a mini explosion occurred in a ‘poof!’

Biff looked at Fangs.

“Well… it’s safe enough for me. I ate a moldy hotdog once and lived,” Fangs replied.

“TMI, Fangs… Now get rid of the coffee--- it smells illegal!”

“Oh pee-shaw!” Fangs set the mug down on the table. “Since when has ANY of my experiments on food gone wr---“

“I still have the radioactive gerbil bites, Fangs. It took 3 weeks for the tentacle to fall off my bellybutton. THREE. WEEKS.”

Fangs rolled his eyes. “Well that’s why I told you NOT to use the microwave!”

Puggsy walked into the kitchen. “Hi Fangs, hi Biff McGirlyscream--- heads up, Kim’s REALLY ragging this month, so better not touch the chocolate,” He looked at the mug of Moonblaster on the table. “Oh hey, who made the coffee?”

“PUGS, DON’T---!” Biff screamed.

Too late. Pugs drank it!

“Puuugs, that was for me!” Fangs whined.

Suddenly Puggsy dropped the cup, having it shatter on the floor (the remaining Moonblaster eating its way through the earth). His pupils dilated, his hair stood up, and he suddenly started to vibrate! “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU PUT INTO THIS!?”

“NOW LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE, FANGS!” Biff shouted.

“I’M SORRY--- PLEASE DON’T EXPLODE!” Fangs wailed.

Kim barged into the kitchen just then. “What is going ON in---!” she began to demand… pausing when she saw the small crater in the kitchen, Biff shaking Fangs while yelling something about coffee, and Puggsy looking like he could be sold to lonely women.

She sighed, taking out her phone and dialing 911. “Yeah, Stacey? …I know it’s the fifth time this week, but get an ambulance over her.”

_~Later~_

The gang sat in the hospital room, Puggsy hooked to monitors of every kind. “Puggsy? You still with us?” Biff asked in caution.

The heart-monitor was beeping like crazy, though was drowned out by the audible beating from Puggsy’s chest--- which was so rapid that it sounded like a single beat. His vibrating only increased. “ASEAOWUFNGAERUIGERLGNEVNEADKDLK!” he sputtered.

“GAAAAAAAAAH PUGGSY I’M SORRY!” Fangs wailed for the 92nd time that morning.

“Just never make that again!” Biff shouted.

*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*

Puggsy then vibrated so hard… that he disappeared.

_~In An Alternate Universe!~_

WG was sitting in her living room, binge-watching _Lord of the Rings_.

There came a buzzing sound, as out of nowhere Puggsy appeared!

WG just stared for a moment, watching as his vibrations slowed down to a stop.

“Fangs experimenting with coffee again?” she asked.

Puggsy slowly nodded.

The authoress groaned. “Dang it, Sherman! That’s the 57th time this week!”

“I can still hear colors…” Puggsy moaned, before passing out, falling to the floor with a *squeak*

At this point, Swaine—who was half-snek for some reason--- looked at Puggsy. “…The Fangsworth Coffee Effect, again?” he guessed.

“I’m already having congress outlaw that man from kitchens,” WG sighed.

_~IN CONCLUSION~_

Puggsy crashed for 75 days straight. His urine was blue for a month, and for some reason he grew gills.

Despite the setbacks, Fangs took to carrying out his experiments in the basement. After trying to make Super Toast and waking Godzilla (while losing his eyebrows), he decided to stop experimenting.

Kim grounded him for the rest of the century.

Biff still has nightmares.

**~FIN~**

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to my Discord friend Elwynn who pretty much wrote 99% of this idea.


End file.
